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"Dear Edie..." Question One Table of Contents: "Dear Edie, I know you're a busy lady, so no hurry on a response. I feel like this is going to be a long one, so I apologize in advance. I just woke up this morning feeling like I needed to write. First, for background purposes, here is a brief explanation of what salsa has meant to me. Salsa has been both a blessing and a curse for me. As you know, it's therapeutic for the mind, body, and soul -- it has cured me of countless ailments, ranging from mild colds to absolute heartbreak. And it has helped me overcome my shyness in meeting new people -- making new friends is as simple as a smile and a look that says "You're hooked too, aren't you?!" On the other hand, for someone like myself who is easily distracted from more important things, salsa can be dangerous. Lately, my priorities seem to be in the order of Salsa-Women-Eat-Sleep-Women-Salsa-Work-Study, when they should be more like Study-Sleep-Eat-Study-Study-Sleep-Eat-Work. You know what I mean? It has also been murder on my love life -- which is the reason I am writing you this morning. Passion for dancing (and the ability to do it well) has been subconsciously added to an already-impossible list of traits for my "ideal woman." It's hard enough to find someone who's smart, gorgeous, kind, funny, and inspiring (and who likes me, let's not forget that) -- now she's got to dance salsa, too! This issue has come up again in the recent weeks since New Year's Eve, when I met two women, whom I'll call "A" and "B".'"A" is drop-dead gorgeous, high energy, very flirtatious, and a very fast learner on the dance floor. She moves so seductively that my tongue would wag and my heart pound out of my chest if left to their own devices. On the down side, she seems to feel she can't have a good time unless she is drinking. She also smokes like a chimney, is a little immature and self-centered, and isn't really doing anything with her life. On a side note, my father instructed me growing up never to get involved with someone I wouldn't consider marrying, and it's stuck with me -- a curse which has left me single or heartbroken most of my adult life. But that's another story. The point is that a relationship with "A" would be short-lived, at best. Sooner or later, I would cease to be a novelty to her, and though I can't imagine it now, even her charms would get old for me after a while. I need to feel a real connection with someone or it's all a waste of time for me. Now, on to "B". She is cute, but does not have the same outright sexiness as "A". However, "B" is less superficial and more engaging in conversation. We have a lot in common in terms of goals, interests, and what we are looking for in a relationship. Plus, she really seems to like me -- for who I am, not for what I can give her or how good I can make her look on the dance floor, which is the vibe I get from "A". The problem, you ask? SHE CAN'T DANCE! "B" has has no "soul" whatsoever. None. Zip. Zilch. Couldn't clap her hands on beat if her life depended on it. In contrast, I feel the rhythm of salsa somewhere deep in my soul and, as all salsa "fanaticos" can relate, feel myself physically and spiritually compelled to dance my butt off -- and to the beat. On the dance floor, that's like an irresistible force meeting an immovable object. Disaster! Fate can be so cruel sometimes... As I am a student, I have not yet been able to afford private lessons. But I feel the music and have been told that I have a good lead, and so, despite my limited repertoire of moves, women seem to enjoy dancing with me. Provided they have a hint of rhythm, in a few songs I can teach most newbies enough to sharply boost their confidence and help them have a great evening. "B" is the exception to this. I am a patient teacher, but I've never met anyone before who has had this much trouble. We do all right with merengue, but only by staying locked in closed position and me keeping an iron lead, physically guiding her body's every move (which isn't all bad!). On salsas, I spend the whole song counting out the rhythm and basic steps for her, but have made little leeway. It's not for any lack of effort on her part. We joke about the whole thing, but I know deep down she is frustrated. Is there hope for her? Would some private lessons with a good woman instructor be of some help? I also read something here about an Eddie Torres tape on finding the rhythm of salsa. Which is it, and how can I get one? Now, just to make things complicated, over the past few days (and more so over these very pages) I have decided that I would be interested in pursuing a relationship with "B". But I am worried that this dancing issue could potentially be the source of some bad feelings. Especially in light of the teeny thing I forgot to mention -- "A" and "B" are good friends (although the way they talk behind each other's back I'm beginning to think otherwise). "B" does not know my feelings have changed for her -- she still assumes I am ga-ga over "A". I have gone dancing with "A" a lot over the last few weeks, but we are not really dating. My concern with choosing "B" is that she, for whatever reason, does not seem to have very much fun when she goes to the club. She usually ends up leaving early, while the rest of us dance until closing. I don't know if this is because she feels left out because she doesn't "get it", or because she'd rather be elsewhere. She is not as seduced by the whole scene as the rest of her friends and much more focused on school. What should I do? I may be naive, but it'd be nice if things could work out such that I would have a girlfriend but none of us would lose any friends or have to give up dancing. My heart says go with "B". My body says go with "A". And my mind says forget both and do some studying for a change! Such a dilemma! Sorry for the long-winded message, but I had to get this out of me somehow. It must be weird to have complete strangers pouring their hearts out to you. Just so you know, we citizens of salsa freak-dom appreciate your bestowment of time and wisdom upon us. We're not worthy!! You seem really cool (not to mention gorgeous) and I hope to meet you one day, if not dance with you (I will probably never be worthy of that honor, at least in the near future). Everyone needs a dream like that to keep them motivated, though :). Hasta entonces, cuidate! Dear Stumped in Seattle.. This kind of situation puts a slight DAMPER on your DANCING. It’s hard avoiding these short-lived relationships - it’s almost like you have to ban yourself from going out to certain places for a while because you know "she / he" will be there and you don’t feel like seeing or dealing with "her / him". With girl "B", she may be marriage material, however, her non-interest or lack of "Fire for Salsa" concerns me. See how she does with privates with both a man and a woman professional. Pay for half of them if you can. It may work, it may not. Remember, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come". But my dear Stumped, you must first finish YOURSELF, before even THINKING about spending time and energy with girl "B". Unless you’re a dance teacher, you’ll end up frustrated because you’re NOT enjoying the teaching experience. Leave this up to the Pros. The "Salsa/Mambo Addiction" is something she must find and then experience on her own. The magic that takes place in your mind, body, and soul from the rhythm of Salsa/Mambo can never be forced. It just "happens". The Salsa Addiction affects some like the sharp sting of a viper, others like the rush of a warm deep wind, and yet others, like kissing their sister. It seems Salsa-Holics are "chosen" to love this music with a passion. There’s a craving deep down inside of true Salseros, that only the rhythm of Salsa/Mambo can fulfill. This is not true for everyone. From what you said about its healing power upon you, I believe you have found your "fix". She hasn’t - yet. Give it time. Give it a few months with privates. If it doesn’t happen, then move on. There is no point in sharing your life with someone that doesn’t share the same passions as you. You’ll find her. She’s there. She may be right in front of you… and until you are ready, you may not even know it… Remember, you must not only respect each other as people, but believe it or not, also admire or have fun with each other while dancing. If you don’t dance well together, and one or the other gives up, "cops a tude", or just doesn’t want to try any more, it will rub off later on - sooner than you think. Pretty soon your "exciting romance" will "suck", and you will do anything to get out. If you do decide to settle down with a "B"-type, there will eventually come a day when someone else on the dance floor will sweep you off your feet (for the gals) or knock you off your chair (for the guys) for a brief moment. Someone will ALWAYS be better on the dance floor. This is the tease, the fantasy, the "almost, but not mine" …the mystery dancer. Why do we always want the things we cannot have? Why do we get bored with things that are ours, and take for granted? Why is forbidden fruit so appealing?
...a never-ending list of selfish egotistical characteristics we all as normal "human beings" struggle with and don’t even realize sometimes. Until something is taken away, we don’t realize just how "important" the things we take for granted really are… Consider this. What if you were in an accident tomorrow, and both your legs were cut off. How badly would you want to dance, and which person would be there for you? My advice to you? Keep dancing for FUN, and don’t get serious with ANYONE yet. Get your schoolwork done first my friend. Pass with flyers colors, GRADUATE, get a decent job, make good investments, NEVER lease a car, BUY a place to live, THEN start looking for the perfect "C". "A" will always be there, and will always be your fantasy in one woman or another. You’ll find her every night on the dance floor, in one woman, and in many women. That’s what’s so wonderful about dancing SALSA and MAMBO. You can get your "fix" with all the A’s on the dance floor, experience a different, warm and pleasant "flavor" with the "B’s" and with the one and only "C"… get your fix, on the dance floor, AND at home… You’ll find your "C" one day my friend. You will. Trust me. When you’re good and ready, she will be right in front of you… You can check out Salsaweb's Eddie Torres Website at http://www.salsafreak.com/ee for all the info on the Timing Tape. It's FANTASTIC!!! I highly recommend it! Here are some responses to this question from fellow Salseros... -------------------------------------------- Hi Edie! As a veteran salsera who still continues to take dance lessons from the -------------------------------------------- OK girlfriend, Stumped is my friend and I think he should get his butt in gear and make I would think about it twice... If dancing is your passion, then you do not -------------------------------------------- Hello Edie, "Dear Edie, I'd like to pose a question to salsa club instructors: how do you socialize your students? That is, do you teach them any etiquette for extending and accepting offers to dance? I ask because I often find salsa club dancers much less friendly than ballroom dancers, in that a stranger at a salsa club is about ten times more likely to turn me down for a dance than stranger at a ballroom dance. I now hesitate to ask "good" strangers to dance at salsa clubs because there's about a 1 in 2 chance that I'll get shot down. This is a silly predicament since I'm reasonably attactive, dance salsa well (I've been told this by salsa club instructors--not my teachers--with whom I've danced socially), and am rarely turned down at ballroom dances. I wonder if a bit of ballroom-style socialization might make salsa clubs friendlier places in which to dance." Dear Mr. Ballroom, Let me define a typical, standard "The Old Country" way of life for a young woman: This is where she doesn't leave mom and dad until she gets married, must be accompanied by big brother on dates till she's 18 or 21, never looks a man in the eye, wears a shawl over her head, is an avid Catholic, is super shy, is expected to get married, have many children, stay home, take care of the house, never question... all that. Many Latin women simply will not dance with people they don't know. Period. They prefer dancing with people they know and are familiar with, that's all. Once you frequent the clubs often enough, your face will become more and more familiar, as well as your dancing style. If they see your style as "too ballroom" they may shy away. Many street "partner" dancers don't appreciate the tremendous amount of time, effort, and expense it takes to become an accomplished ballroom dancer. I've danced with highly trained ballroom dancers at nightclubs, and have been not only been disappointed in their lead, but extremely intimidated and made to feel I wasn't worth much. I did not have a good time. This prompted me to take Latin ballroom classes right away. I don't like feeling that way on the dance floor. I go to have a good time and not get stressed out. To be honest, I would rather dance with a street dancer than a ballroom dancer 90% of the time, only because that is what I am "used" to. Don't get me wrong, I love dancing with trained ballroom dancers, and some of them are absolutely phenominal street dancers. However, 90% of them either lack, or have too much of.... "something" and I just don't know what it is. I really can't put my finger on it. With too much training, the natural "sabor", the fluid flowing tropical motion, is lost. The dance steps are "too" perfect, and the body movements are just "too" technical. I prefer a mistake now and then, but that's just me. Some ballroom dancers get so used to dancing with their dedicated partner, that when they go to a Latin nightclub, they literally do not "know the ropes - street wise" and are throwing themselves in with the wolves. They may need to "tone it down" a bit and ease in slowly. You don't see many competitive Latin ballroom dancers in nightclubs. In fact, it's a rarity, and treat to watch them [with their dedicated partners] at the same time. If you're a competitive Latin ballroom dancer, and don't want to get turned down, go often to Salsa nightclubs, take a few classes from a professional STREET dancer, and loosen up a bit. Your style will start to mesh with the street style crowd, people will get used to seeing you around "the scene", and believe it or not, you'll be more "accepted", and won't get turned down as often. "Dear Edie, You have inspired me to work on my styling more, practicing footwork, arm flairs, and head stuff AT HOME (!) before I try it at a club. Can I pester you with a few questions? I saw you do some really neat footwork. I often break away from the right-left-right-(tap or kick)-left-right-left-(tap or kick) for a stop (like when you are moving your upper body but not your feet) or for a more elaborate step. I have no trouble keeping my place in the music with a stop, but for other steps it is a little dangerous because 1. I will get occasionally get lost as to whether we are on 1 or 4, especially if 2. the leader won't always wait for the step to finish. Do you just wait for a opening with enough time for your move, or do you make your own time by breaking away, or somehow communicating to the leader to wait? (Sometimes I can do this in tango, but the context is quite different.) And, when you are doing a complicated step, are you still always conscious of where you are in 1-6 in case you are lead out midway? Dear Finding Fancy Footwork Fun, Learning good shine moves and techniques takes time and practice, practice, practice. You've GOT to end up in step - in the rhythm. You have to practice so as to end up going FORWARD when he goes BACKWARD. That's the most important thing. Sometimes, I'll purposely whisper to myself, in the middle of a shine, "forward, backward, forward, backward" and completely forget about the actual "count". Reason? Counting messes me up sometimes. BUT watching his feet through my peripheral vision really helps. Sometimes you'll both get messed up and end up "off" the rhythm entirely (meaning he'll be coming forward toward you, and you will be going forward towards him, resulting in an embarrassing collision). In this case, the man should pause for a quick second, and wait for the woman to resume the step. He should politely pick up where she's stepping. This is proper Salsa dance etiquette. Regarding breaking away from the leader. Rarely will I purposely break away from my partner if my partner doesn't lead me into a break away. I'll only do it if he's drunk or obnoxious, or simply can't partner dance AT ALL. I think I've only purposely broken away my partner twice in three years. The first time, not only did I break away from him, but I slapped him VERY HARD right in the face. The second time I had to break away, I was so disgusted I just walked off the dance floor and refused to dance with him for a solid year. When my partner DOES break me away, allowing me to do some solo shines, then, YOU BET, I'll go BALLS OUT and STRUT MY STUFF WOMAN! You know... SHOW WHAT I GOT... flaunt it... WHAT EVA' - no restraints, no shyness, just 110% of pure, LET IT ALL OUT sexy shines!!! During the solo, is your chance and opportunity to "shine daaaahhhhhhling" When you're saying the leader won't always wait for the shine step to finish, (I've had that happen on occasion), then you just kind of have to jump right back into his rhythm. It will not be very pretty, nor smooth, but he'll realize very quickly that he didn't let you finish, and did not "ease" back into your arms like he should have. Believe me, if he knows what he's doing, he's feeling real stupid at this point. Good Salseros pay very close attention to their partners - not the audience nor crowd, but THEIR PARTNERS. THE WOMEN THEY'RE DANCING WITH. Being a great Salsero is like being a great lover. They watch them closely, catch their eyes. They wait for the most pristine opportunity to softly and gently slide right into a woman's arms after her shine step. They know EXACTLY when she needs her space, and know EXACTLY when to slip in and take her back. I know I'm probably getting a bit off the subject here, but I'm inspired to write this. Some men don't like to put the woman into a solo. Some men are so interested in the turn patterns and moves that they forget ABOUT THE WOMEN THEY'RE DANCING WITH!!! Some men REFUSE TO LET YOU GO!!! I swear, sometimes, I'll get an ITCH ON MY NOSE and the guy just WILL NOT LET GO OF BOTH MY HANDS!!! It drives me NUTS when that happens! Or, I'll get a clump of my HAIR stuck in my MOUTH, and he STILL WON'T LET MY HANDS GO so I can pull the hair out of my mouth! What I end up doing is SPITTING IT OUT, and with the awful sound that makes, the guy gives me this strange look, and I end up feeling EMBARRASSED for no reason! After all, it was HIS FAULT that he wouldn't let go of my arms for TWO LOUSY seconds so I could pull myself together! Men, you've GOT to pay attention to your partners. Watch their faces, their eyes, their hair - make sure they are well taken care of in the dance. If they need to break away for a second, let them. If they are doing a shine, let them finish it. Ease back into their arms. Follow their timing. Watch your partner closely. Be aware of her every need, move, and facial expression. She may be trying to TELL YOU SOMETHING! "Dear Edie, "Dear Edie, Dear Can't Take it Anymore,
That's what you do. "Dear Edie, My EX-fiance is a dance instructor and has been dancing for many years. I on the other hand am new to the dance scene. I really love it and am addicted to salsa. However, I am not very good...yet. When we started going out we would go to the clubs together and dance all night and have a great time. Then I noticed that he started looking bored during our dances and he would comment about how great this or that girl dances. Eventually, he started to complain about why I couldn't get the beat and why I keep messing up the same step. He started going out by himself and it drove me nuts. We broke up. Since I continued dancing after we broke up I am starting to realize now how it feels to dance with someone who is not quite at your level...it's frustrating. I am concentrating now on recognizing and counting the beat in songs. (I still have a lot of trouble) I have two questions:
Yours, Dear Green-Eyed Monster, Now to your next question. If he was your dance instructor, and you're a beginner/intermediate having problems with rhythm, your relationship was over before it even started. Nine times out of ten, the relationship between a student and their dance instructor eventually ends. There are exceptions, but this is what usually happens. Let me explain. The student will have a very difficult time living up to the dance instructor's expectations. Why? Because the instructor is always in "teaching" mode. That's what they do. They teach, correct problems, and give advice. Since this is what they "do for a living", you'll have to put up with him/her correcting you throughout your entire relationship. If you can live with that, more power to you. Most dance instructors strive for perfection - they have to look good at all times. They're subconsiously critiqing themselves in that mirror every day, and since you're their student, as well as their lover, YOU must look good as well - or better than his other students. The worst fear an instructor has is to have one of their students dance horribly, and the student bragging that "so and so" was their teacher. Another very important thing to remember is that at one point or another in their lives, they have danced with "the best of the best", and that the feeling that is generated from that is very difficult to replicate with a student or lover that isn't at that calibur. You see, when we dance, we give up a part of ourselves to our partner. As a woman, you give up your control over the relationship, and become vulnerable to his every whim (move). You must follow his lead - no question. Sure you can add your own style, and be free during free-styling, but when partner dancing, you submit. If he's a phenominal lead and puts you in powerful moves that feel like soft silk, subconsiously, you, as a woman feel his strength, his masculinity, and his softness all at one time. It's alot like making love. The masculinity he projects during dancing and making love, makes you feel like you're being physically handled well, protected, and nurtured throughout the experience. He can help you feel sensual, erotic and loved. Combine an excellent dancer / instructor with incredible music, and you get a formula close to the sweet rush of an orgasm - but lasting longer. That is why Salsa partner dancing can be so addicting. You must also consider the submissive role a woman plays in partner dancing, and how that makes a man feel. In this day and age, with the feminist movement heading strong and pretty much leading the pack, men have a hard time figuring out where they "fit in" in their relationships with woman - whether it be a co-worker, a boss, or even a date. When he danced with "the best", she felt like butter in his hands; so maneuverable, so smooth, so easy to lead, etc. Transfer that to a relationship with you now, and not only will the dancing be an issue, but it will spill over into your physical relationship as well. The reality is, nine times out of ten, if the chemistry between the both of you when you're dancing isn't great, the relationship and sex won't be great either. That's just the way it is. I don't really think you should try to salvage your relationship. The same thing will happen again later on - in time. He'll find another student or dance partner one day that is smooth as silk, and an amazing dancer, and you will have to live with it. Am I saying that instructors are doomed to be single? Not at all. World-famous dance instructor couples like Eddie and Maria Torres from New York and Luis and Joby Vazquez from Los Angeles are still together. Both couples were each other's favorite partner to begin with, and have beautiful children in addition to teaching dance for a living. What I AM saying is that if you aren't "that amazing" dancer for him, then let him go, first from your heart, then from your mind. Emotionally detach yourself. This is the only way you'll get over your jealousy. Jealousy is your own worst enemy. Don't let it destroy your mind, and eventually your body. It is a poison worse than venum. It kills the spirit, and eventually starts to wear on the body. You go grey and wrinkled quicker, lines start appearing everywhere, you may gain or lose weight abnormally, and look physically ill. You won't be very much fun to be around. Erase him from your mind. Get out. Meet other dancers, make more friends, occupy your time and your mind with fun activities involving people. Love is hard to let go, but let this one go my friend. For your own good. You'll thank me in the long run... Good luck to you. "Dear Edie, If you really want this, (and believe me, after a while YOU WILL GET COMPLETELY HOOKED - WORSE THAN COCAINE), I suggest you get your hands on the best dance videos you can find (we sell instructional dance videos on our site - also a company called Descarga also sells good dance videos). Study them, and practice them with a friend, mom, sister, dog, whatever. Second, go to a Salsa club, find the best male dancer there, and ask how much he'll charge you for about 10 privates. Take them, pay him, and you'll have the woman of your dreams dancing in your arms, and loving it! Who knows, you may like it so much that eventually, you will become SO GOOD, you will end up dancing BETTER than HER, and wind up DUMPING HER for someone else! Believe me, I've actually seen it happen...
"Dear Edie, Dear Stiff, However, if you still feel your body movement could improve, then I suggest you first try relaxing a bit. Lighten up out there. Hang, you know? Take a load off, and just completely RELEASE, let go, be lazy a bit, walk it through, don't try to "dance" per se, just "walk" it through. Salsa looks better when you don't "try" so hard. If that doesn't work, then find a gal that dances the way you would like to dance, and pay her to teach you how it’s done. Take an hour a week until you get it. If you’ve been dancing since May, and have never taken a formal private lesson from a good female instructor, then it’s about time you start. A WHOLE NEW WORLD will open up. She will not only teach you women’s styling, but point out things to you that you would have NEVER KNOWN. She will be able to spot EXACTLY what your problems are, and where you can improve. It took one of my female instructors, Josie Neglia (I have many) , three solid lessons with me for me to FINALLY get JUST THE BASIC hip movement right - and I had been dancing for over a year! I still have problems getting it perfect - it’s a challenge! If you still feel you have a problem after a few lessons from a female instructor from a club, then I would suggest taking some competitive ballroom training. There, you will find a very regimented breakdown of every inch of your body, from the tips of your toes, to the top hairs of your head. They start with posture, then foot placement, then knee alignment, then hip movement, then buttocks placement, then how your back should be positioned, then shoulder placement, then your arm positions, then hand flares, then neck alignment, then head movements…. Even to how your hair should be done!!! AAAAAaaaahhhh!!! But do give it a shot - this may be what you need for a while. It will definitely make you aware of your physical abilities, refine your strengths, eliminate your weaknesses, and test your tolerance as a dancer. It’s worth it. "Dear Edie, Dear Intimidated, "Dear Edie, Dear non-Cuban, "Dear Edie, Dear Lacking, "Dear Edie, Dear "Wanna do my move, damn it!", BUT, if you say you are NOT sweating at the time, then there are some moves that some men do, that certain women just don’t like. Keep in mind, that you’re not the ONLY one they shy away from. Some women would rather just have you hold them in a regular closed position. You need to identify who those women are, and don’t do certain moves with them. Consider this an opportunity to learn different moves that they may like better. I know a gal, that whenever she gets thrown into a dip, she goes into a "seated position" and, I’m not kidding, virtually "sits" on the dance floor! This drives the guys NUTS! Like clockwork, she does this EVERY TIME! Most of the guys know by now not to put her into a dip, because she just refuses to do it. Most conservative women feel uncomfortable with their hands anywhere else on a man’s body other than their right hand on your shoulder, and their left hand on your back. That’s all the more they want or are willing to touch. Nothing else. They truly feel that if their hands are too close to your face, back, or rear, it’s considered being forward or flirtatious, and they do not want to be put in that position, hence the reason why they back off believe it or not. Remember, that everyone has been brought up differently, in different cultures, and with different values. Respect them, and they will respect you. "Dear Edie In fact, you are not over him at all AND YOU WANT HIM BACK. You think about him constantly, you dream about him and wake up crying when you realize that it was just a dream. Everything reminds you of him and the more you try to free your heart, the more stubborn your heart gets, yet, you are strong enough never to call. Then, finally, you give up and realize that God has a plan for you and say…"Ok, Lord, I trust you, If you don’t think he’s for me, then I’ll go with it, but if he is supposed to be with me, would you please bring him back? If he’s not, please help me get over him and never get him close to my heart again" Then, you say to yourself " I am not gonna date ‘til a year after I broke up with him, that way I’ll be sure I’m over him" But then, two days later, HE CALLS! He tells you that he misses you terribly and that he thought about you every day! And get this HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER AGAIN AND TAKE YOU OUT ON A DATE… get aquatinted again and take baby steps. What is one to do? IS THIS AN ANSWERED PRAYER? How to know for sure? But here is the real question: Should you give him a second chance to be a Prince? What do you think? Yes/No ... Maybe/If ... If and only if ...Let me know. (This is not salsa-dancing related, but like I said above, I'll listen and help with ANYTHING our readers are legitamately concerned with... ) Dear Willing to kiss the Froggy twice, I’m an extreme codependent, and through reading what seems like a zillion books, have become an expert at what’s wrong with ME. Bottom line is that we really need an outsider to help us "see the light". You have a very good question. Most men who want complete and utter commitment "like" taking care of a woman. They want her to depend on him for EVERYTHING - happiness, love, desire, money, security, sex, whatever. This is an excellent form of control on the man’s part, and makes for an outstanding relationship - ONLY IF that’s what both parties realize that this is the way they are, what they’re into, and are perfectly comfortable with it. You'll find this particularly common in the traditional "old school" Latin communtiy. It appears that you are not going out with type of guy. You were probably attracted to his strength, independence, AND FREEDOM - he’s obviously not the controlling type. You want to be free but loved, you want your cake and eat it too. You chose him because he lets you have your freedom AND have a relationship with him at the same time. To get this man back in your life TO STAY, you have to take a completely "different" approach. If it’s been over a year already, and if he’s REALLY ready to take your relationship to the next step (marriage), then he’ll ask you. He probably "wants" to, but deep in his heart, he may think he cannot live up to your expectations because of the responsibility involved, his weaknesses, faults, hidden desires for other women, freedom, etc. He’s confused. The bottom line is that he is not ready for a serious committment. He’s scared to death. He really doesn’t know EXACTLY what he wants yet. I don’t blame him. When a man is in love, "responsibility for two" starts entering his mind. He’ll seek the easiest way out if he truly believes in his heart he can’t support you or give you everything you need/want/desire… Think about it. Just "dating" you is safe - he can leave whenever he wants to. Completely "committing" to you is a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY… he can’t really just kiss you goodnight and go home - he’s stuck there… The reason why most people break up relationships is because of greener pastures. If that was the case (you nor I will never know…) thank God he at least had the decency to break things off before cheating on you. If he wants to break up - let him. There’s nothing worse than putting your partner in a cage. This is the kind of man that also needs to have a certain amount of freedom (no wonder you two were together for so long and not completely committed to each other yet - you both are EXACTLY ALIKE) Based on your letter, you’ve identified a big portion of your "self" with him, and have depended too much on him for your own completion and/or happiness. Let him go. Start doing an activity that you enjoy that doesn’t involve a relationship with a single other "human being". Do something that makes you happy (like dancing with a million different men - that’ll keep ANYBODY’s mind off a single man for a while). In your situation, it appears that neither of you feel "complete" or "happy" without each other’s company. Through the pruning stages, find other things that make you laugh, smile, and cry. If he wants you back, and you still want him, go for it - but don’t be so easy to be "gotten back". Take the pressure OFF him by showing him in one form or another that "he" is not your sole source of happiness - you’ll be fine with or without him. Don’t put "stipulations" on him or the relationship when he asks you back. But, don’t be so "available" all the time either. He’s nervous right now because your happiness is depending on him too much. He’s also afraid that he’s the same way - his mind doesn’t want that, but because he asked you back, his heart won. To relieve his STRESS, be your own woman. Keep busy. Work on yourself. Stand on your own two feet. Go treat yourself to a nice warm bath, do your nails, look beautiful CONSTANTLY, take martial arts, dance, or acting classes and your self-esteem and confidence is sure to improve - without his help. You don’t realize what a weight off his shoulders that will be… he will feel more "free" and take comfort in the fact that even though you are an independent woman, and have found your happiness without him, your free will to "choose" to be with him will do incredible things for his ego. There is nothing more delicate, fragile, and powerful than a man’s ego. If you want to keep him, you’ll nurture it, respect it, and treasure it like solid gold. Lastly, you know, as well as I do, that the ONLY sure-bet for ultimate happiness is with God Himself. When we depend on others for our happiness and completion, we’ll certainly, eventually become disappointed - because as you already know, NOBODY’S perfect. Let me know how it went. "Dear Edie, Dear A Little Nervous. Fortunately, I have a very, very simple answer for you. You won't look vulnerable if you do the following: From the minute you walk out of your car, to the minute you leave the club and get back into your car, I want you to act like you OWN THE PLACE. You should be able to sit wherever you want. You should be able to ask anyone you want to dance. You should never, ever have to answer to ANYONE about your marital status, life, nor any other personal question for that matter. If men start asking you questions, that means you're not out there dancing enough (which means you're too far from the dance floor). If men still get a question across to you, answer it however you wish - but only with enough confidence to scare them. Remember one thing: Unless they are pointing a gun to your head, you will never have to answer anything to anybody, period. Scan the dance floor, look for good dancers, get your aerobics in. You've got a job to do. Do it confidently, then leave. Remember, you OWN the place. Let me know how it went! Dear Edie, Dear In high d-man, |
