"Dear Edie..."    Page Four

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Mr. G. ... "It's about my wife... "
Salsero del Ambiente

Dear Edie,
I was wondering how many gay or lesbian salseros you know. Because Salsa is such a
male-female arrangement (as most couples dances are I suppose) I suspect that gay
salseros must be in hiding. I certaintly wouldn't expect them to dance with members of their
own gender in mainstream settings (although women seem to be able to get away with this
without anyone freaking out).

I once had the privledge of going to a gay Salsa club in Queens, NY while on vacation (it
was across the street from where my Cuban partner grew up). Some gay latinos are so
effected my machismo that even THEY can't bring themselves to dance Salsa with another
guy!

For me Salsa dancing isn't as much about sex as it is a celebration of music and rhythm and
the fact that I can share that with someone male or female makes it even better! Now if I
want to Salsa dance for "show" then I would prefer to dance with a woman and I relish the
masculine role and her feminitity. Being gay doesn't mean that I don't like women nor does
it mean that I don't like being a man. I don't know if it is because I am actually bisexual but
I enjoy the masculine role in Salsa dancing and I enjoy dancing with a beautiful woman.
Still I would like to create a space for my gay (especially gay latino) brothers and sisters
who want to celebrate their cultural and sexuality at the same time.

How many gay folks in the Salsa scene do you know...and how bad do they suffer? Are
they able to find gay Salsa clubs? How many are able to hide their sexuality?

Let me know if you can. Muchas gracias Edie
- Salsero del Ambiente"


Dear Salsero del Ambiente,
In an attempt to answer you, as I do most "Dear Edie" questions, I ask several friends or acquaintances who are in similar situations, and gather various responses, and come up with a summarized "Edie-ized" answer. For this question, I visited and interviewed various gay and lesbian Salseros at some very popular Salsa clubs in different cities.

I have traveled throughout many of the world’s Salsa clubs, both mainstream, and by-ways, and have come to a single conclusion:

No matter who you are, gay, lesbian, or straight, the feelings that Latin music brings about, knows no boundaries.

The problem is.....

The People

…. and their interpretations of the dance, how they see YOU interpret the dance, their upbringing, their families, their hang-ups, and their experiences, which in turn, define their beliefs, which in some cases, cause suffering and pain on others, such as yourself.

Partner dancing affects both parties. No matter who you are, if you come across interpreting the dance in a different way than what others are accustomed to, they will feel offended or shy away, and find others who are just like them to share with.

Salsa dancing as a couple is a wonderful experience. I certainly agreed with your "…celebration of music and rhythm…" statement. Wonderfully put! The Latin sounds and the feelings it gives your mind, body, and soul is indescribable when on the dance floor, especially when both partners are dancing in harmony, and as one, with the music.

However, when partner dancing, there is a natural order of things. There is a leader and a follower. In the straight world, we tend to agree that the leader will be the man. In the gay and lesbian world, we find out that this is not always the case.

To answer your question, after my visit to various gay and lesbian clubs, I found many people who didn’t appear to be suffering at all. Through word-of-mouth, and various advertisements (we advertise them here on Salsaweb in our Cityguides section), they were able to easily find gay Salsa clubs. They all danced and were having a great time. To tell you the truth, it looked like all the other Salsa clubs I’d been to.  I saw no "suffering" per se, on the surface. The only suffering that I witnessed was trying to find women who could lead well, which is a Universal problem in itself.

After I got there, and danced a few songs, I thought it was great because I could practice my leading skills on other women – what little I have of them!

In the straight world, I found that the caliber of dancing was much more intensified, due to the competitive nature of "who looks best" on the dance floor. When I visited the gay and lesbian clubs however, I found that the social aspect was more evident. People didn’t really "care" if you could lead well, they were just happy to be dancing! The problem that YOU have my friend, is being a "machismo" man, in a gay club.

I discussed your anonymous letter with many gay male Salseros and they gave me some very interesting insight.

If you were to walk into a club, as a man, and want to be asked to dance, by another man, you need to show your weaker side, bottom line. You cannot be more "male" than the man asking you. They will be intimidated by your machismo attitude, and because you are bi-sexual, they may think you are not gay, are there to beat them up or humiliate them, and will shy away from you. The bottom line, is that,

you can’t just walk in there, all macho-like,
and expect to be asked to dance by another man.

It just won’t happen.

The same holds true with females who don’t know each other. I found the majority of the female dance "leaders" so-to-speak, played more of a male role than their counterparts in almost every situation. It wasn’t until I was formally introduced to other women, that they started to ask me to dance.

My experience was that during various dances, I would lead part of the song, and then we would switch roles, and they would lead, and then we switched back… It was REAL confusing when I was dancing with a guy who wanted to be led on occasion. We would switch leading, back and forth, so much that we almost collided several times during the song!

To answer your second question, "How many are able to hide their sexuality?" What was a pleasant surprise, was finding people at these clubs that I had known for YEARS from the straight clubs!

"What are you doing here?" They would ask.

"I’m on assignment.   What are YOU doing here?"  I would answer.

"You mean… you didn’t know?"

Click Here for Salsaweb's Gay and Lesbian - related Comments, Questions,

Click Here for Salsaweb's Gay and Lesbian Dance Partner Search section...

"Dear Edie
During a holiday event, one of the "regular" salseros who my wife always dances with, crossed the line and kissed her after the dance was finished. Because of the event I didn't create a scene. (although I was having I second thought when I was leaving). She's my normal dance partner, and we have been dancing Salsa for about 3 to 4 yrs now. I think both of us are "good" dancers now and we dance with many other "good dancers".

The "Salsero" that crossed the line I "found" at a club a few weeks later and I confronted him about the incident. He said he didn't know we were married (the ring on her finger wasn't big enough). He thought we were "dating" (others know were together). He said he did not want to disrespect her or me. (This is the same guy she said was "harmless")

The case was closed (although I had some "from the 'hood "talk for him to make my point that he shouldn't even have been left standing). I always pickup "vibes" from people that dance with my other half. No big deal. She doesn't pick anything because she tunes it out. Stress relief! Salsa dancing. This is OK to a point.

If I think people are together I always say something to who ever is there (husband/partner/boyfriend/SO) an acknowledgment, a sign of respect. The "dancers" will always come by and say "Hi, Whats up, Que pasa.." something to both of us. Those that seem to have another intent don't say a word to me. She thinks it’s because they're scared of me. Hmmmmm??

I have watched one of her "regular" Salseros who wanted to talk to her alone under the influence go through his moves (maybe she exudes too many pheromones.) I knew what he was going to do before he did. Un mujeriero.[womanizer]

Normally she "handles it" when someone gets too close etc.. But when she's under the influence of a few drinks and the dance, she gets relaxed. If she can't "handle it" her bodyguard shows up (me). I always let her know not to dance with the (as I found on "Dear Edie") "Full Contact" Salseros. We used to call it "The Crunchies". The only person I dance like this is my wife. I wouldn't do it otherwise. I think it shows no respect. Your thoughts…Ciao,
Mr. G."

Dear Mr. G.
Finding a mutual social activity that both of you love is so important in a marriage. However, because this activity involves "going to a club and drinking alcohol", for this mutual "bliss" to continue, there are a few rules both of you must agree on, and abide by.

It is very clear that your wife needs to control her "situation" a bit more. She may be in control sober, but your having to play "hero" after she’s had a few drinks concerns me.

Does she ever go Salsa dancing with her friends when you’re out of town?

Who’s her "hero" then?

When an unsuspecting "player/womanizer (same thing)" sees a beautiful woman sipping her drink, smiling, dancing, relaxing, enjoying herself, believe me, nothing will stop him from "helping himself" to conversation and anything else. I’ve seen it. You’ve seen it. These guys are smooth, good, subtle, and will stop at nothing - ring on her finger or not (some actually PREFER the ring - no commitment) And if they know about you two, and you’re not around, they’ll still stop at nothing.

Respect. Alcohol. Do the two mix? Combine Alcohol and Respect, and you get a mixture similar to oil and vinegar. Now mix some sensual Salsa in there with various "unknowing" partners, and the feelings this lethal combination bring out is confusing and very dangerous to what is supposed to be a "sacred" relationship.

After discussing your question with married couples who go out Salsa dancing, the women have told me that they keep a good "foot-long" distance between themselves and their partners - friends or not. When the "Full Body Contact" happens, they stiffen their arms, making it clear they don’t like, nor allow that for the simple respect of their husbands. Later they always introduce their "unknowing" partners to their husbands. This usually puts a severe damper on ANY players’ potential plans for the evening.

Unless in the back of both of your minds, you somehow "enjoy" the jealousy, the chase, and "Knight in Shining Armor" aspect of this game (who knows, maybe this keeps the spark?), couples have told me that the both of you should probably agree not to drink alcohol at all when you go out. Impossible you say? "Come on Edie, get real, just one or two drinks?"

Mr. G. What’s wrong with water, coffee, OJ, or cranberry juice? My friend, you know as well as I do what alcohol does to the mind. It makes our thoughts fuzzy, and brings our sense of reasoning to a compromise. Because of the tone and concern you’ve expressed, this "drinking issue" may be a cruel self discovery for the both of you. Is it possible for the both of you to go out socially, to a club, and have fun and laugh without alcohol? Is that what it takes for the both of you to have a good time? Why not just enjoy dancing Salsa for just that. The celebration of music and life to this sweet music, and the feelings of elation it brings to the both of you.

"Honey, I just had a few drinks, he meant nothing by that, really...."

How many times will you have to hear that, till you get fed up, and start thinking second thoughts when she asks you when the two of you will be "going out" next time?

When you’re out of town, how many sleepless nights will this bring you?

Talking to a Player, while getting loaded at a nightclub, she said... "I respect my husband...."

What’s wrong with this picture?